Column: Ask codger

In celebration of his second anniversary at this corner, Codger is available for questions.

Is it impolite to honk at three bicyclists riding slowly abreast in front of my car?
It certainly is, and it violates the spirit of Shelter Island civility, libertarianism and passive-aggression. Honking can only be justified as an alternative to running them over. Codger disapproves of that, in most cases.

Should I snitch on a neighbor who is flouting the new STR rules?
That would be yet another violation of the Island spirit. Think about making friends and a deal. Does your neighbor allow you to use her pool, slip in a cousin on deep discount, sell her guests home-made pies, wine, weed? The underground economy floats our Island.

Now that President Trump did it, can I drive my golf cart on the greens?
Never on the Gardiner’s Bay course where traditional values still reign, not even on the one day a year when members of the Shelter Island Country Club are allowed to play. Driving onto the greens is frowned upon at Goat Hill, unless you couldn’t distinguish which were the greens.

Have you visited Lee Zeldin yet?
Codger is waiting for our representative to come out of witless protection or wherever he is hiding and meet constituents in public to answer some questions, especially on environmental matters. On a positive note, he does seem to be inching away from the president over the Russia scandal, but since the Island has no foreign policy, who cares? We need to know more about Zeldin’s support for national policies that could directly affect us, like Trumpnocare. Is Lyme Disease a pre-existing condition?

Does the town make any money from the concessions on Sunset, er, Crescent Beach?
You mean the massage services, the paddleboard rental and the boat taxi from yacht to lounge chair?

The Town Board is inconsistent on rules affecting business. If there are no rules, Codger wonders, can his grandchildren set up a lemonade stand on public property? By the way, if you care, it’s Louis’ Beach.

Is Supervisor Jim Dougherty in trouble?
Supervisor Dougherty is always in trouble. He likes it that way. He thinks it keeps him alert and edgy. When his board gives him a hard time he snarks right back. After Dougherty’s tasteless joke at his last State of the Town speech, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists advanced his personal doomsday clock to one minute to midnight.

Why can’t the town agree on something as simple as a deer and tick survey?
The Deer and Tick Committee is one of the hardest-working and most besieged on the Island. Nothing is simple when it comes to deer and/or ticks, certainly not with a controversial and expensive 4-poster program with its corn and chemicals and the controversial hunter programs. And then there’s the possibility that even after a Bambi massacre the ticks will immigrate to Mice-land. Will we have the will to make war on Mickey and Minnie?

Should I be worrying about water quality?
You bet. Nitrates are building up, septic systems are dumping wastes. When the League of Women Voters has its indispensable candidates’ forum, be sure you press Supervisor Dougherty, his opponents and all other office-seekers about their plans to ensure clean, protected drinking water, including the relevant ancillary issues including septic systems, wetlands protection, pool and housing limits and storm water drainage. The Water Advisory Committee, another hard-working group, recently advised households that include pregnant women and infants living near monitoring wells showing “a link to sewage” to use bottled water for drinking and cooking.  Codger is very concerned by that early warning. It’s our water, stupid.

Is there more uncollected dog poop on the Island these days?
Codger and his canine companion, Cur, confer about this continually with no consensus. Codger thinks it is disgusting while Cur is happy to sniff out who is around this summer. Chacun a son merde. A pooper scooper law would be nice, but unless it can be proven that the droppings impact the plovers, it probably won’t happen.

What about those helicopters and seaplanes? Does big money always win?
Are you kidding? Instead of whining to Codger, why don’t you go make some. Or, speaking of big money, visit Lee Zeldin.

Is it too late to turn back the clock and make Shelter Island great again?
Certainly not. Codger is exploring the possibility of a DNA implant that would certify him as a member of the Manhanset Nation so he can help return the Island to its rightful, pre-Sylvester Manor owners, who will protect the water quality, make peace with the ticks and build a casino at Sunset Beach.

Have you always been such a snowflake?
Codger is a snowball. With a rock inside. No more questions.