Will the season’s real turkey please stand up?

A once noble bird, the turkey is now synonymous with less dignified things.

Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines the word “turkey” variously as 1. a large North American bird; 2. a failure or flop, especially of a theatrical production; 3. three successive strikes in bowling; or 4. a stupid, foolish or inept person. 


The image of the turkey, a proud, intelligent and wily bird in the original wild state, has suffered much under domesticity, a process any married man can relate to, if not exactly explain. Colloquially out of use these days, “turkey” for a long time conjured up images of pathetic bone-headedness in both bird and man, an association that may not have been quite fair — to the birds, anyway. Thankfully, Thanksgiving gives us an opportunity to examine this question under strong light and perhaps come to some useful conclusions.


My pre-Thanksgiving horoscope (courtesy of Sunday’s Newsday), advised that Aquarians can entertain a reasonable expectation of being invited into someone’s home this week. Now, as prediction-making goes, I’d say this was playing it pretty safe. I, myself, have even been invited into someone’s home this week. But playing the Thanksgiving card in a faux-astrological projection is a nice example of both bone-headedness and the all-American athletic ability for jumping on the gravy train. 


You have to wonder whether the level-headed Puritans would even recognize anything about a modern Thanksgiving Day, what with that gigantic Ronald McDonald balloon (just the thing you want little kids to see right around lunchtime on Thanksgiving Day). And what would they make of Sponge Bob Squarepants, or the Pillsbury Dough Boy, or six straight hours of Mad Max movies? 


Of course, if you wanted to show them some real destruction, how about out-of-control house fires burning all over the country as a result of botched attempts to deep-fry a whole turkey?


Yes, and here’s a beauty from the New York Post: O’Caseys’ Tavern on East 41st street in Manhattan serves turkeys that have been injected with 8 ounces of vodka every six hours for three days prior to roasting. Don’t try this at home, the chef warns. “The roasting creates alcoholic vapors and, if it’s too hot, it’ll go up in flames,” he advises. “You don’t want to blow up the kitchen.” 


But what’s a little conflagration here and there? C’mon, it’s Thanksgiving, get into the spirit. Macy’s parade this year will feature, according to USA Today, 8,000 parade participants: 15 giant balloons, 24 floats, 1500 cheerleaders, dancers, singers and performers, 10 marching bands, 3.5 million live spectators and 50 million viewers at home (or someone else’s home).


And, let the good feelings flow. An incarcerated Imam (Newsday once again, to give credit where it’s due), under suspicion of terrorist activity, will be given a furlough to attend Thanksgiving dinner at his parents’ home in Brooklyn.


And, speaking of Imams, the menu for US troops in Afghanistan and Iraq will include 467,499 pounds of turkey, 61,813 pounds of stuffing, 13,231 cans of sweet potatoes (canned sweet potatoes? ), 8,952 cans of cranberry sauce and 68,020 pies and cakes. In the immortal words of Stan Laurel, “Any nuts?” 


Not that the troops don’t deserve a nice meal, but all that probably adds up to more than the combined populations of Afghanistan and Iraq get to eat in a good year. 


Exploding turkeys, furloughed Imams, Sponge Bob McDonald, singers, dancers, performers … what, no unicycling bears? When you look at how American holidays have been turned into a three-ring circus and a stick to beat us with, it’s hard to miss the irony in the fact that the very first Thanksgiving was celebrated by people who came here to escape persecution. But never mind. If a plain old turkey doesn’t say “festive enough” to you, go for the turducken. It’s a turkey, stuffed with a duck that’s been stuffed with a small chicken. Too late for this year, but FYI, you can order a turducken online from any number of energetic purveyors. For a custom job, they might stuff the chicken with a blue jay and the blue jay with a canary. And if that doesn’t make you thankful, I give up.