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Last minute Christmas gifts


With precious shopping days slipping away, I was happy to discover a popular gift catalog up in the wheelhouse of the ferry the other night. The cover almost stopped me, though — it featured a woman reclining on a sofa, remote in hand, wearing a leopard print Snuggie. A contented-looking dachshund nearby sported the dog model. 


If you haven’t had the pleasure, a Snuggie is essentially a backwards robe, a sort of faux-fleece hospital gown, open in the back, a look and feel which most people — or dogs, for that matter — aren’t all that comfortable with. Wearing mine — Rebeca and I had ordered a couple last year — I was so aware of what was going on behind me, that I found it very hard to concentrate on anything else. Be that as it may, I perused the catalog further and flipping through the pages, came across some items that would make wearing a Snuggie to the office, or even church, seem perfectly rational.


Many of these items belong to the as-seen-on-TV rogues gallery, so along with the Snuggies, there were the familiar designer cervical collars, ear wax grapplers, nose hair clippers, orthopedic car seat cushions and overnight toe alignment socks. There were the Topsy Turvy Upside Down Tomato Planter, the Turbo Snake Drain Cleaner, the Ab Rocket and a 25-piece cutlery set from, you guessed it, Ron Popiel, the man who gave the world Popiel’s Pocket Fisherman and live-audience rotisserie cooking. 


New to me were the Space Saving Can Crusher for wall or table — just the thing for getting rid of that unsightly pile of Budweiser empties next to the recliner. There was the Personalized Martial Arts Belt Rack –“displays your hard-earned belts in plain view until you need them” — and the Microwave Bacon Genie — lets you cook strips of bacon hanging from a rack in much the same way neckties do. There were Perforated Exercise Glasses — supposedly strengthens your eyes by making you squint — to wear while you practice with the Ultrasonic Scram Patrol Pistol — “humanely repels cats, dogs and squirrels without disturbing your neighbors” (unfortunately can’t be used to repel neighbors without disturbing dogs, cats and squirrels). And this holiday must-have; a Wreath-Shaped Deviled Egg Platter — holds only a dozen and my record is nineteen, so we’re ordering two.


There were a number of inspirational items that were … well, just inspirational. Guardian Angel Visor Clips “keep an eye on loved ones when you can’t be there,” while the Guardian Angel Pillow (or Praying Teddy in pajamas) actually “recites the Lord’s Prayer.” Inspirational and educational, there was a book entitled, “Why Are There No Cats in the Bible?”.


There were, in fact, a number of cat-related items, including loads of cat-emblazoned pillows, throws and mugs, as well as this one — my mother’s gift for this year — The Meowing Cat Clock, which “features images of 12 popular cat breeds on the dial, and chimes with one of 12 meow sound effects at the top of every hour!” 


There were any number of reach-extenders for people who are having trouble reaching certain places, for whatever reason. There was the Long-Reach Lotion Applicator that allows you to apply creams and lotions to your back and, with an even longer reach, one that reaches, well, you see, it — how to put this? … it’s a handle with a clamp on the end that holds a swatch of bathroom tissue and you — well, you get the idea. Called the Toilet Tissue Aid, it features a quick-release lever, which is nice. 


And, now that we’ve gone there, I guess there’s no reason to skip the Fanny Bank, which “makes saving money a real gas! Just drop a coin in the strategically-placed slot in this tushy-shaped bank and listen as it lets out the loudest rip you ever heard! Add more loot, hear more toot!” 


That’s what it says, don’t look at me. Listen, I hate to be knocking things this way all the time, I really do. I’m sure it makes me look like I’ve got no holiday spirit at all. But I do, honest. 


Care for a deviled egg?