Columns

Weekend Edition: Much Ado About Darkness

James Bornemeier

A Tragedy in Three Act

Dramatis Personae

MINERVA, Town senator
OBSTREPERO, Town senator
HUEY, Town senator
DEWEY, Town senator
LOUIE, Town senator
CHORUS, The plain people of Shelter Island

Act I (Stars Café)

O: Have you heard this latest madness! She’s doing it again! Not satisfied with the Saving Dark Skies Act, now she’s pushing the Citronella Candle Suppression Act! No citronella candles can be lighted from Memorial Day to Labor Day! This is a triple outrage! Stealing our individual and community rights! Subverting and defiling of our American way of life! One person forcing her will upon a helpless community! Theft! Treason! Tyranny! This cannot stand! Would the heroes of Lexington and Concord have allowed this besmirchment of individual liberty! The answer is counted in drawn muskets!

C: He speaks only in exclamation points. It is tiresome.

O: And where is (Senate Leader) Imperion! I can’t find him anywhere!

H: He is in the city, at the Stadium, taking in the Red Sox series. He left Minerva in charge.

O: Oh this vilest conspiracy!

H: I concede, it does have the faint aroma of conspiracy but I would quibble with “vilest.” That would suggest that no future conspiracy could be viler. And I’m not willing to make that assumption.

O: Don’t you see! This darkness agenda is not only evil but it flies in the face of one of man’s ultimate quests over the millennia! Since we crawled out of caves, we sought ways to subdue the fierce power of the darkness! Darkness brought fear! It brought danger! It brought the unknown! Do you think Edison perfected incandescent light on a whim! No, it was to push back the night! Having the ability to illumine the blackness is one of man’s supreme triumphs! What does she think, that we are all celestial navigators!

C: It would be good to know how many cups of coffee he has had.

H: How long you been here, ‘Strepo? You seem a little jumpy.

O: You think this is jumpy! I’m just getting started!

Act II (9 p.m., Quaker Cemetery)

M: Thanks for coming, guys. I know this is an imposition.

H: I had to cut out early from my reading group.

D: There were some NASCAR reruns I wanted to see.

L: Thanks for asking. Glad to have somewhere to go.

M: Let me speak plainly. I intend to bring business before the Senate next week and I seek your support, and I am not at all confident that I will have it. That is why we are meeting in the middle of nowhere, basically. It would not do to have prying eyes seeing this little gathering. I need to deliver your votes to my cause, which I know has stirred up some ripples of opposition. To ensure that delivery, I too must deliver. Let’s lay out the facts. Huey, you have a 1,337-foot setback waiver before the ZBA. Dewey, you are seeking approval for a sixth floor on your place in the Center. Louie, you are having trouble renewing your nonconforming use permit for your nerve gas storage and disposal business. I believe I could be of assistance in these matters. As we say, one hand washes the other. I am reasonably certain that by applying a bit of pressure, I can persuade a sufficient number of board members to look favorably on your issues.

H: How can you be so sure?

M: A grainy black-and-white video has come into my possession. It shows quite clearly four ZBA members flagrantly breaking the law. Without naming names, these individuals are seen in the water at Menhaden Lane. The camera pans to the “Not a Bathing Beach” sign and then back to ZBA group. Lo and behold, the camera documents the crime: they are using soap and washcloths to bathe! I’m not suggesting that this is a grave crime, but it does lay plain a collective failure to heed the laws of the Island.

H: I’ve never heard of such a thing in all my Harelegger days. Is it possible that the video was doctored?

M: Careful, I wouldn’t cross that line if I were you.

H: Can we have a minute to discuss among ourselves?

M: Be my guest.

H: I am somewhat surprised by Minerva’s blatant horse-trading maneuver. It reminds me of that scene in Spielberg’s “Lincoln.” I wouldn’t have thought Abe and his cohorts would stoop to that sort of thing.

D: I didn’t see “Lincoln.”

L: Never heard of it.

C: Yes, of course there is such a trolling-for-votes scene.

H: I feel a bit soiled even having this discussion with her. But the marriage is on the line if I don’t reel in this set-back waiver.

D: If I get the sixth floor, I could list it as “water view,” although the water would be two miles away.

L: No nerve gas, no income. Simple as that.

H, D and L: See you next week, Minerva.

Act III (outside the Senate after the Citronella Suppression Act passes with one highly caffeinated dissenter)

O: Et tu, Huey! Et tu, Dewey! Et tu, Louie!

H: She’s right. Last night I couldn’t find the Big Dipper.

D: I’ve always hated the smell of Citronella.

L: Et tu? Et tu? Am I supposed to know what “et tu” means?