Jenifer’s Journal: Dating for seniors, or … sweethearts in cyberspace

…the world will always welcome lovers, as time goes by. — Herman Hupfeld

The late Richard Lomuscio often made his column, “Richard’s Almanac,” a font of good practical ideas, information and advice, while my columns have been, let’s face it, somewhat … eccentric,  maybe.  Certainly, no one so far has accused me of being even remotely “practical,” though I would be if I had a clue about things like gardening or home repair. 

It occurs to me, however, that I’m somewhat familiar with online dating, which has certainly become a practical resource for anyone looking for some level of companionship. For seniors who have lost their partners, especially now that many of us are living to very ripe old ages, it’s an option that in some respects may prove more fruitful and a lot less complicated than venues like bars or bowling leagues or church barbecues.

With online dating, if the conversation goes south, no need to disappear into the restroom or to tell a friend to call and say your house is burning. Besides, even before COVID, technology had already reduced our enthusiasm for making face-to-face connections. Remember that old relic, the blind-date? It seems to have gone the way of the Dodo bird, not necessarily with hopeful daters, but with the population of well-meaning meddlers who used to do the setting-up. 

It seems nobody wants to get involved in being responsible for engineering an analog dating dud. It’s definitely a strange, but-not-so-new-dating world out there now, especially for us, the adolescent oldsters between 65 and 80.

The internet is replete with information about what some 33 million of us of all ages are engaged in this year alone. Of course, there’s only one way to really find out. Try it. In her 2020 article for The Atlantic Monthly, “What It’s Like to Date After Middle Age,” Faith Hill writes, “Dating apps can be overwhelming for some older adults — or just exhausting. Al Rosen, a 67-year-old computer engineer living on Long Island, described sending out so many dating-app messages that he had to start keeping notecards … he and others I talked with were tired of the whole process of putting themselves out there again and again, just to find that most people are not a match. According to survey data, people of all ages seem to agree that online dating leaves a lot to be desired.”

But apps, for all their frustrations, can also be hugely helpful: They provide a way for seniors to meet fellow singles even when their peers are all coupled up. “Social circles used to be constrained to your partner’s circles, your work, your family, and maybe neighbors,” Sue Malta, a sociologist at the University of Melbourne who studies aging, told me. “And once you became widowed or divorced, your circles shrank. If someone in your circle was also widowed, you wouldn’t know whether they were interested in dating unless you asked.”

Dating apps make it clear whether someone’s interested or not.

If you know me or my column, you probably know that I met my dearly-departed husband, Tom, on Match.com 17 years ago, first shot out of the gate. Even though the whole idea had seemed unnatural to me — like trying to form a relationship in a petri dish — I’d put my toe in the water on the EHarmony site a few months before. Their copious, pseudo-psychological questionnaire made them seem more “legit” somehow, but, in terms of results, it was like watching paint dry.

That might’ve had something to do with my clicking on “the continental United States” when I was asked for “geographical preference.” But then I got serious, became “mintchocchip” on Match, and found “ctsingle,” and the rest is history. Seriously, nearly 20 years later, it’s been a lot harder. Maybe it was a testament to how much I missed Tom, because a few months after his death —way too soon — I got back on Match. If I was thinking at all, which I doubt, it was that maybe somehow online lightning would strike again and I would find “him.” It took me several weeks to realize that the “him” I was actually seeking was, well, Tom. 

No surprise, he wasn’t there. Since then, like “Al” in The Atlantic article, I’m kind of “tired by the whole process,” and yet, as stiff and synthetic as this online iteration of romance may seem, it remains a valuable option in the pursuit of what has always been a highly valuable goal: finding someone with whom to build a rich, rewarding relationship.  

After all, isn’t that still what true romance is?  Oh, yes, and “the fundamental things apply, as time goes by.”