Just Saying: A survey on successful snoring

Disclaimer: The following column is not, in any way, shape or form, based on any actions or personal traits of my wife.

It is based on my general life experiences that occurred before my marriage to her. I swear this is the truth insofar as I can remember my pre-marriage life, which was a long time ago.

Any blending of my married life and pre-marriage life is strictly accidental and unintentional. But these things happen. I am only human and as fallible as the next guy.

Snoring: Hoarse or harsh sound from nose or mouth that occurs when breathing is partially obstructed while sleeping.

I am hardly an expert but I’ve encountered many types of snoring over the years. Here is an attempt to categorize various styles.

• Saw-related: The most powerful of these is what I call the chain saw, an ear-piercing growl that will instantly awaken anyone sleeping within a 50-foot radius. On a descending scale, other saw-related snores would be the saw-mill, the electric hand saw, the two-man saw, the basic hand saw and the jig saw.

• Boat-related: Not as common as the saw-related, these snores basically mimic the sound of propellers in water. The Mercury large outboard motor snore is the loudest, followed by a medium-size Johnson and a small electric motor. Lesser snores in this category include a range of canoe paddling sounds.

• Cold- and flu-related: There is much variance in this category. They can be ragged and intermittent and range from strikingly loud to barely a murmur.

• The machine gun: Medium-loud and characterized by staccato bursts. Given the energy needed to produce the bursts, the machine gun rarely lasts more than 10 minutes.

• The drone: A low guttural moan that can last for as long as a half-hour. Actually the drone can be quite soothing to a nearby sleeper.

• The scream: Not technically a snore, it has the same disturbing qualities and is probably produced by a scary dream.

• Yips and yaps: Random, almost inaudible sounds that can last all night once the snorer gets into a good rhythm.

• Burp-like: Small harmless throaty emanations that can last for hours.

That’s my snoring survey. To my knowledge, I have never snored. But if I did I would choose the machine gun. It sounds like fun.