Moving Forward: Should I speak up? 

Should you tell your friend that she has spinach in her teeth? Do you inform an Islander that no, Sunset Beach is really Crescent (or Louis) beach? Do you tell your spouse that you hated the birthday gift? How about a colleague who came across like a jerk at the last meeting? How should a teacher best give a poor grade to a student?

Obviously, these situations are different. But they all involve making a decision to say something or not. This is a dilemma that people face every day. You have a reaction or thought about what someone has said or done. That person can be a friend, a spouse, a child, or co-worker. Should you speak up? If so, when and how?

Many of us grew up in the age of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” In some circumstances, that is true, but is it always helpful? Social scientists have given that an acronym — MUM, which stands for “minimizing unpleasant messages.” Today the art of giving feedback has been extensively studied and it is a lot more complicated than that old adage.

Vanessa Bohns, in her excellent new book, “Should I Say Something?” details all aspects of the world of being and not being candid. For some people it isn’t even MUM, but giving no messages at all. And so many of us do that, even with the spinach-in-teeth example. If it were us, when we got home and looked in the mirror, we would say, “Why didn’t they tell me?”

Yet, so many people find it difficult to speak up. And what about today’s young people in the dating world? Rather than tell someone they are not interested, now they “ghost.” For those uninformed, that means going dark and not responding to emails or texts. Isn’t that more hurtful than just being truthful? Yes, but it is also the easy way out.

How important is candor? How important is kindness? The truth is that to have a real relationship they are both important. University of Chicago researchers Emma Levine, Annabelle Roberts, and Taya Cohen set up a four-quadrant grid juxtaposing kindness and honesty:

1. If a person is low in honesty and low in kindness, they just avoid. (Think about those who ghost.)

2. If one is low in kindness and high in honesty, they are brutally honest and completely untactful. Think of the last person who said something that may have been true, but the words were insulting and hurtful. Did you just wish they had kept their mouth shut? And the fact that it was true just made it worse?

3. Then there is the person with high kindness, but low candor. This person may give false encouragement or an insincere or even worse, an untrue compliment. (As in, saying it was a great presentation when you know it really wasn’t).

4. The last quadrant is the one that Ms. Bohns focuses on, because this is the one worth striving for — high kindness and high honesty, in other words, benevolent honesty.

Jancee Dunn, in a recent article in the New York Times refers to Professor Levine’s research. Emma Levine says that generally people are receptive to hearing the truth when it is helpful, even if the information is uncomfortable. But there is an art to benevolent honesty. No one masters it all the time, but there are some principles worth learning. 

• The first question to be answered is whether it will be beneficial. If it is just a gratuitous comment, obviously the answer is no. 

• Then think about how you, yourself  would like to hear the feedback. This sensitizes you. 

• Now prior to giving your so-called two-cents, it is a good idea to ask permission. While most people will not say no, this prepares them for something unpleasant to come. And if they tell you, “No thanks,” you should respect their wishes. 

• Finally, when giving feedback, do not dwell on the mistake or misdeed, but focus instead on the future. 

Let’s give the example of the birthday gift. Benevolent honesty would express appreciation for the gift, but the person might add that the type of gift that she would really like in the future might be X. This is actually helpful to the gift-giver. 

What about the colleague who came across like a jerk. You might say, “I think at our next meeting it would be a good idea if you do such-and such.” And add, “I think people would really appreciate it.” These responses require some forethought at first, but like most communication, it is a skill that can be learned. 

With the example of the meeting between a teacher and student, rather than focus on that sub-par paper, it would serve both parties well for the teacher to discuss what she is looking for in the future from the student.

Some of the touchiest feedback has to do with parenting. My memory of my own mother is that I appreciated none of the advice she gave me because I always perceived it as critical, even though I know it was well-meaning. In retrospect, some of it was probably pretty sound. 

In my current life, I and many of my friends are grandparents. I find that most are averse to saying anything about parenting to their daughters (and forget daughters-in-law) that may be perceived as critical. In both of these extremes, all parties might benefit from benevolent honesty.

Finally, there are times when a lack of candor may be appropriate. Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) wrote that lying is always wrong. But even in his day, that view was not universally shared. The late ethicist Rushworth Kidder posed the “Right vs. Right” dilemma when the answer is not clear cut. For example, if you learned an old family secret that would be hurtful to a sibling, is it worth spilling the beans?

Most people have secrets of some type and revealing them can be devastating. Professor Bohns calls this “prosocial lying” and suggests that it is beneficial when it is a truly an act of kindness. This is when honesty will not be helpful at all, but will only lead to emotional harm. She also recommends very carefully weighing the pros and cons of the revelation.

So, finally, the assessment of when to speak and how to do so boils down to caring. While there may be a sweet spot of how to precisely do this, it is an art that comes more naturally to some than to others. But if we are guided by kindness and by the concept of benevolent honesty, chances are, these efforts will ultimately serve us and others well.

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Committee.