Moving Forward: Making (and keeping) friends

I am going to start with the obvious: Having friends is good. Loneliness is bad.

In fact, loneliness is so bad that U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has spoken extensively on its physical and emotional perils, culminating in a report titled, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”

The 72-page document discusses the benefits of social connectivity, the value of community, and finally offers recommendations on how individuals and organizations can successfully build and strengthen relationships.

There are different kinds of friends and some are deeper than others. Casual acquaintances may turn into lasting friendships or may fall by the wayside. An office friend (less prevalent these days with remote work) may drop off with a job change or may evolve into something more. All are healthy and contribute in their own way to social well-being.

But deep, long-term friendships are optimal and most people have few of those in a lifetime. They require work, like a marriage, and like a marriage, true friendships often have bumps in the road. To sustain them requires honesty and openness when those bumps occur.

American culture emphasizes romantic love. Just look at every romantic comedy or sappy love song. While a satisfying romantic relationship clearly enriches life, psychological research suggests that stable and healthy friendships are crucial for our well-being. And if that romantic relationship founders or ends, who but a friend is there to help pick up the pieces?

Science writer Zara Abrams cites several studies indicating that high quality friendships can significantly protect against depression and anxiety. She cites studies by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who found that blood pressure and heart rate activity are lower during difficult tasks and physical activity when a friend is present. In fact, friendship has been described as a “behavioral vaccine” against physical and mental illness.

While it certainly cannot prevent these ailments, researchers Patricia Sias and Heidi Bartoo argue that friendships can provide individuals with a sense of safety, security, and support against life’s unknowns.

Conversely, people with no friends are twice as likely to die prematurely. Holt-Lunstad estimates that loneliness increases the risk of death by 26%. The absence of friends can increase the risk of illnesses like heart disease, dementia, addiction, depression, and anxiety.

When children are born, their first relationships are with their family. Play groups and other organized activities are highly regarded, but they mostly benefit the parent or caregiver. However, by age two, most children become interested in other kids. While they are not expected to share at their age, parents can start socializing them by teaching them non-aggressive behavior.

One reason why pre-school is considered so important is because learning to play, sing, and talk together are life-long skills that are the precursors to friendships. By kindergarten, most children have learned how to have friends, and those who are friendless could benefit from early psychological intervention. Learning to listen and care about others may come later for some, but it is a life-long skill indicating psychological health.

But here’s the rub: men. So many of men’s friendships revolve only around shared activities. They often have difficulty maintaining relationships beyond talking about sports and politics. Women often laugh about the males in their lives who can spend days on a “buddy trip” and never learn the names of their buddy’s children.

I don’t mean to belittle these relationships because they do positively impact a guy’s life. But for many men, their only close relationship is with their significant other or the “couples’ friends” arising out of this union. If the marriage or relationship ends by either separation or death, the man is often at a loss with little support. 

In a “Psychology Today” article from 2022, John Patrick Hatcher writes, “Guys are supposed to be independent and self-sufficient as if we don’t need anyone, while also not appearing as a loner.” But the men who can defy this stereotype are all the richer for it.

Can siblings be friends? Absolutely. In fact, according to a National Public Radio article in 2017, Robin Marantz Henig writes that the literature shows that during middle and old age much of life’s satisfaction is tied to a positive connection with brothers and sisters.

These are the people whose relationships date back the earliest. They have a shared history, so much never needs to be explained. This is particularly helpful for men who may have difficulty forming friendships, and a sibling bond may come easier. Hence the origin of the expression “brother” or “bro!”

During high school, college, and early adulthood  most people find it easy to make friends. For example, the college dorm, the job, and the children’s school are built-in mechanisms that facilitate bonding. But as people age, they often find less opportunity to meet people and may be more reluctant to share intimacies the way they did when they were younger. 

While there are ample opportunities to make friends on Shelter Island, there are still many isolated and lonely people. It’s always great to encourage people to join one of the many Island organizations. But not everyone is a joiner. In that case, reaching out to our neighbors just to “chat” may bring a benefit to both that is greater than ever expected. 

Writer C.S Lewis said, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”

This is where loneliness ends.