Codger’s column: Ask Codger

Approaching the end of the year and a major birthday, Codger has decided to accept questions.

So how is your old pal, Jules Feiffer, doing in his new upstate New York home?

Jules will be 94 next month and he sounds very happy on the telephone. He says he is drawing furiously and better than ever, aided by breathing cleaner air up there. He misses Shelter Island Senior Services, as well as his Sunday breakfasts with Codger, who can’t wait to tell him about the latest bickering between the Town Board and the Community Preservation Advisory Board.

Why would he care about that?

It enforces his belief that the world as he knows it is coming apart. If Gerry Siller and Gordon Gooding, two people who sincerely care about the future of the Island, can’t find common ground you might as well give it up to the Loud Boys.

You mean the Proud Boys.

No. The Proud Boys are going to jail for trying to overthrow the federal government on cable TV while the Loud Boys are merely some local, lonely loonies who are trying to get attention on Channel 22 by disrupting an already shaky town government. They’re in the way. They need their own podcast in a padded room.

You seem cranky, Codger.

Have you seen Codger’s driveway, lately? And most of his family is recovering from COVID. Why is he often the only person in the post office or the IGA wearing a mask?

Maybe because he rarely shaves and wears a mean expression.

If you’re going to give Codger a hard time he can stop this right now.

OK, but can’t you find anything positive to talk about?

Lee Zeldin isn’t governor and Proposition 3 passed.

Why is that a big deal?

If Lee Zeldin became governor even Codger would feel compelled to carry a legally concealed weapon, maybe a derringer up his sleeve. Would you really want that, the mood he’s in? And while Proposition 3 doesn’t ensure community housing at least it paves the way toward collecting funds for the day Supervisor Siller finally comes up with a viable plan that Shelter Islanders can comprehend comprehensively. Even Gooding will get aboard that.

And build it on common ground?

There you go. You’re not as dumb as you sound.

Thanks. While we’re looking ahead, do you have any goals for the new year?

Codger wants to lose 7 pounds and teach Cur II to read or at least come when called, the usual.

Any concerns?

Codger worries about the future of the only essential restaurant on the Island, The Islander. Codger eats there at least twice a month with colleagues and runs into the spectrum of islanders from squalling babies to Chief Read, which gives him comfort and a sense of community. If the Islander gets sold to somebody who turns it into anything but an inexpensive, casual diner you can pretty much kiss old Shelter Island goodbye. It’ll be all food trucks and Hamptonesque bistros, fulfilling the old Shelter Island warning that if we didn’t watch out it would only be laborers and millionaires left. We haven’t been watching out.

Any regrets?

Untasted desserts, of course, but this year a new one: Never having been busted for marijuana possession.

Does that make you feel uncool?

Hardly. It makes Codger ineligible for the retail marijuana shop licenses the county will soon be handing out. Most will go to people who have been affected by a long history of frequently discriminatory law enforcement practices in minority communities. Many such people thus have criminal records which have affected their abilities to get jobs, loans and other kinds of licenses.

Don’t such amends seem fair?

Yes. But Codger has always found something at least ironic in assigning reparations for such inequities through permission to deal dope. That’s worth at least a couple of sessions of Professor Wendy Turgeon’s Friday Philosophy roundtables at the library. It seems like convoluted social engineering and a target for satire. Had Codger been unfairly busted, say, for brawling at the Dory, back when that would have been feasible, could he now get a permit to pop a certain contractor in the nose?

This seems silly and beneath you, Codger. Let’s change the subject. Do you have an opinion on the mooring issue?

Codger doesn’t even own a boat. If he did, he would sell weed from it to the yachts off Sunset Beach. Or would the county deny him a pot captain’s license because he had never been a pirate?

Enough. How about a personal fun fact?

How’s this: No matter how cleverly Codger loads the dishwasher, Crone re-arranges it. For the better.

Is that another metaphor?

We’re done here.

OK, thanks. Happy Holidays.

Be specific. Which ones?