Moving forward column: On building confidence

Fake it until you make it!

These words have been told to many people to boost their self-esteem and to learn to succeed. They have also led to misleading and sometimes fraudulent behavior.

Building confidence that endures is a skill that doesn’t come easily to most people. But it is so important, whether we’re talking about going to that awful cocktail party alone, proving competence to the boss, or just navigating life with self-esteem.

Confidence is described as a belief in one’s self and one’s abilities to meet life’s challenges. It’s not a false sense of bravado, but a realistic understanding of one’s capabilities. Some people are born with more than others, but it is a skill that can be developed.

There are different types of confidence, such as social, professional, or personal. A person can be a superstar at work but may be uncomfortable sustaining a personal conversation. Conversely, one’s social skills may be excellent, but they may be masking deep feelings of inadequacy.

We all came into this world as kids, thinking that grownups knew more than we did. Clearly, they did. Alfred Adler, one of the early giants of psychoanalysis, believed that children are born with a sense of inferiority, given their dependency.

It is one of life’s tasks to develop competencies to counteract this. How they compensate for their real or imagined inferiority determines how they develop their own abilities. As children grow and master skills, they begin to realize their own capabilities. A realistic appraisal of one’s abilities prepares one for life’s challenges — the capacity to love, finding an occupation, and developing successful relationships with others.

Needless to say, no one is the master of all three of these life tasks, and those who think they are generally have an inflated sense of self (which is another column). So, developing confidence becomes a major task throughout childhood, adolescence, and for most people is an adult challenge as well.

Children need to be encouraged to try new things, and should be allowed to make mistakes. After all, it’s from our mistakes that we learn best. Perseverance is really the name of the game that leads to success and confidence.

For teens, these are difficult times, and building confidence is challenging. Social media is constantly forcing them to compare themselves to an idealized and often unrealistic standard. Instead, parents and educators need to help guide teens toward success, such as imparting the “wisdom” that studying leads to good grades and practice makes athletic excellence.

Unfortunately, even in 2024, girls often judge themselves by their looks, and usually unduly harshly. Parents should praise their daughter’s appearance but only in the context of everything else in her life.

Feeling insecure as an adult is normal. Remember that first job?  Meeting the future in-laws? How about hearing how every other child in the pre-school is a genius? 

So, do you fake it? Studies indicate that “faking it” often exacerbates imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you are not really up to a task and that you are fooling people. Mild imposter syndrome is common among new medical residents, teachers, and many people newly placed in a position of authority.

But rather than fake it, experts suggest working to handle the challenges one step at a time. And it’s not always a bad idea to confide in a kindly superior about one’s genuine feelings of anxiety.  Assistance is sure to follow. It’s better to receive proper guidance than behave like you know it all.

Take the case of Elizabeth Holmes, who famously built a completely fraudulent enterprise based on a faulty scientific notion. It would have been a wonderful story had a drop of blood successfully tested for every disease. Unfortunately, the science did not work that way and she fooled many people into believing in her.

However, according to several psychologists, faking it in social settings has its advantages and fewer downsides. Walking into a party and projecting confidence hurts no one and may draw people to you. Smiling when you’re not feeling particularly happy may bring a more positive outlook and a smile that is genuine. 

So, what are the tips to building confidence? There are many “how-to” articles and bookshelves are full of self-help books devoted to this topic. So, I’ll just devote this space to a few of the “greatest hits.”

1. Take reasonable risks. Go for a promotion, try out for the choir, join a sports team. Force yourself to do something daunting like public speaking. When attempting something intimidating, break the challenge into smaller chunks.

For example, practice speaking in front of a small friendly group before presenting at that scary meeting. Or if you challenge yourself to take up running, first run a mile, then two, then the 5K and finally the 10K. Socially, going to that party may be nerve-wracking, but force yourself to go, rather than stay home.  Avoidance is safer, but it ultimately doesn’t feel good.

While you may not be the life of the party at first, a few friendly conversations can go a long way to boosting confidence.

2. Remember the saying “failure is not an option?” That may be true if you’re flying a plane, but not for the average person. The greatest achievements often come from failure. The better cliché is: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

Ask any inventor or novelist whose second book is the bestseller. How you fail is important. A spectacular and public failure does not boost confidence. A setback that becomes teachable, will.

3. Work on your communication skills. Being able to express how you feel and to engage in interesting conversations will enhance your self-esteem. It will also lead to connecting with more people and forming better relationships. The less isolated one feels, the more confident one becomes socially and professionally.

4. Honestly assess your abilities. This is how you recognize your strengths and acknowledge your challenges. Too many people will never acknowledge that they messed up at work or that they contributed to a failed relationship. On the other hand, too many people believe they are not intelligent enough or not attractive enough to be successful personally or professionally. Both scenarios generally do not accurately portray the situation as it is. Know who you are and try to be better.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first to climb Mount Everest, said it best: “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”

Nancy Green is a retired social worker and a member of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Alliance.