Jenifer’s Shelter Island Journal: I am Jen’s sciatic nerve

This column’s headline is an homage to J.D. Ratcliff and his iconic “I Am Joe’s _____ (liver, pancreas, brain, etc., fill-in-the-blank” columns from the 1950s and 1960’s for The Readers’ Digest, where they appeared and may, after 86 years be ceasing print publication. The headline is also, of course, to my powerful, maddening and downright mysterious sciatic nerve.

Ms. Nerve, the floor is yours

Oh, how Jen does go on. She acts as if I have no other function than to cause her pain. How about the pain she’s caused me by ignoring me all these years?

Karma, baby. 

In fact, along with the other members of her body politic, I’m a very valuable team player as my friends at webmd.com can attest: “Your sciatic nerve is about 1 centimeter wide and extends down your leg … it originates from the spinal nerves L4, L5, S1, S2, and S3 [and] extends lower than your vertebrae. All these nerve fibers join and make the sciatic nerve. From there, the sciatic nerve extends through the pelvis and down the glutes and thighs. The nerve goes all the way to the heel … one of its main functions is to connect the central nervous system to the legs. You use your sciatic nerve to help bend your knees, toes, and feet.

“The sciatic nerve has two different functions, motor and sensory. The motor function helps move the muscles in the legs and feet. The sensory functions aid in feeling sensations in the leg … e.g., bringing feeling to the skin of the foot and lower leg. The sciatic nerve branches and affects different sections of your legs, including your toes, foot, and calf.”

All very interesting, but odd that they don’t mention my attenuated elegance. I am the longest nerve in the human body, the Nile River of nerves, if you will. 

Unfortunately, my human — the veritable Queen of Denial — has, up until now, refused to acknowledge our aging process and thus has thoughtlessly continued hauling heavy moving boxes, sitting cross-legged on hard floors playing board games, and still giving over-grown grandchildren piggyback rides, etc., so I’ve gotten crimped, I’ve gotten crunched, and now, well, I’ve just gotten mad.

Consequently, I’ve become a full-service pain-maker, as my webmd.com friends confirm: “Any damage or irritation to your sciatic nerve can cause many different symptoms in many different areas … including, hip, back, thigh, shin, foot and toes.

Dealing with it can be challenging. Sciatic nerve pain can be so intense that it can keep one from moving … unable to stand straight or move h/h legs. The pain can make moving unbearable, and in some cases, the person may feel complete numbness in the affected leg.

Doctors may recommend physical therapy which, through stretching and exercise, can create a program to prevent future injuries, and also helping to correct posture, improve range of motion, and strengthen the core.”

I think I’ve definitely succeeded in encouraging respect from my human, but — news flash! — making up is hard to do and my impatient pal will just have to give me time to heal and recover from her abuses while, in the meantime, she works to strengthen her spine and muscles to support me.

Moderate resting up is fine, but too much is, as I’ve learned to say, “contraindicated.” Judicious stretching and exercise are most likely the ticket and, above all, don’t stay sitting too long! It’s about balance, old girl.

Save the condescension, Ms. Nerve, but you’ve made your point. Maybe you’ll allow me to make a small one about the man who inspired me to give voice to you in this column, John D. Ratcliff, who, according to the obituary that appeared in the October 25, 1973 edition of The New York Times, was “… a prolific writer on science and medicine who contributed more than 200 articles to Reader’s Digest (more than any other writer) … Mr. Ratcliff was in the city, away from what he called his island ‘working pad’ in Jamaica, to confer with publishers, check in with Reader’s Digest editors and interview subjects and do research for future articles. One of the items high on his agenda was preparation for a forthcoming book of his articles on the heart, lungs, liver, stomach and other organs of a man named ‘Joe.’ This was a very popular series in the Digest, with the headlines all in the same vein — ‘I Am Joe’s Heart,’ for example.”

Aside from the wave of nostalgia only the seriously older half of we Baby Boomers can enjoy, Ratcliff was ahead of his time in demystifying, yet somehow still exalting, the workings of the human body, a lofty and valuable enterprise in which he succeeded for over two decades.

As for me, hopefully lessons have been learned and maybe, someday, when someone says, “Jenifer, you have some nerve,” I’ll take it as a compliment.