The Grinch n’ me

My sister, Beverly, made copies of my columns over two decades and gave them to me recently. Because I write about everything, going through them was like having my life (so far) flash before my eyes. I’d forgotten about this particular incident, and it really did happen. I wouldn’t lie this close to Christmas. Actually, I would. But, I’m not.

It was Dec. 21 and I was rushing through Sears, in the overheated, overcrowded Smith Haven Mall. No big-box stores in Riverhead back then, no Tanger. 

I clutched the item I’d driven 51 miles to purchase and elbowed my way toward the exit leading to the parking lot. Inside the mall, Brenda Lee rocked around the Christmas tree and excited little kids dressed in red velvet lined up for their pictures with Santa, but I had no time for that. 

“Run, run, run! No stopping for fun!” screeched the Grinch voice in my head. “Go faster! Push! Just bump ‘em in the tush!” And when I did, I collided with a frail, elderly woman.

She staggered. The Grinch wailed, “It’s all her fault! She was moving too slow! Keep charging along! No one will know.” 

I ignored him and apologized to the shaken woman who asked, “May I hold your arm for a moment?” The Grinch slugged me in my left temple when I held out my arm. 

“Thank you,” she said. “It’s so crowded, I felt dizzy.” She needed a minute to catch her breath and balance. I was concerned for her, but mostly I was concerned for me. I couldn’t look at my watch, because that was the arm she gripped. But I  didn’t have to, the Grinch ticked off the seconds by beating a stopwatch against the backside of my eyeballs.

She wanted one string of tree lights and someone had sent her in “that direction,” she said, pointing to a distant corner of Sears. “Could you please take me?”

“Happy to,” I said, faking enthusiasm while the Grinch threw a full-on conniption. “Girl, you are killin’ me! Get gone! Beat feet! And please stop pretending to be so sweet!” 

As we inched along, the Grinch groused, “Isn’t this perfect! A million people in this dump and we bump Cindy Lou’s grandma’s rump!”

At tree lights it took a while to find what she needed and then we stood in a long line to pay. She held onto me and explained that her’s was a small tree. A cousin was coming to visit on Christmas day. “I’m alone, I wasn’t going to put it up, but it’s nice for company,” she said, pulling a coin purse from her coat pocket.

She paid and the Grinch shouted, “Hallelujah! We’re done, and I’m feelin’ merry. Now ditch the old girl and head to the ferry!” But the old girl had another request: would I walk her to Burger King inside the mall? Someone  was meeting her there later.

Old Grinchy stomped his feet and wailed, “If there’s no place like home, why’d they let her out of it? There’s a word for your slug-like pace, it’s called ‘REVERSE’!” He was so upset, he wasn’t even rhyming anymore. 

But his rhyme came back when we passed a giant cardboard box filled with gift bows and she paused because she needed a silver one. “No! No! No! Go! Go! Go!,” he yelled.

I dug through the box for a silver bow, which she examined, then tossed back. “They got cheaper at the Kmart,” she said. And then we stopped at slipper-socks. Spoiler alert: they got cheaper at the Kmart.

It took 20 minutes to shuffle to Burger King. “I’ll be fine now, thank you for helping me,” she said, then asked a uniformed worker if she’d carry her tray after she’d ordered. The girl rolled her eyes and the Grinch cartwheeled  with delight. “Finally! A Christmas miracle! Your good deed’s been done. Won’t Santa be proud,” he snickered out loud.

The girl looked relieved when I said I’d stay and carry the tray. The Grinch sucker-punched my right frontal lobe.

Our friend ordered a hamburger and coffee. “No fries, I’m not that hungry,” she said, digging for her coin purse. When I said, “Please, let me buy your lunch,” she smiled sweetly at me, then added a large fries and apple pie to her order.

After I got her settled and wished her a Merry Christmas, she squeezed my hand and thanked me again.

“No trouble!” I lied, expecting to hear some snarky rhyme about lying so close to Christmas, but the Grinch was silent until I was near the exit.  

“No one gives a hoot about a silly lie, but would it have killed us to sit down with her and eat a piece of pie?”

I turned around.