Jenifer’s Journal: End of the line

All suffering is the avoidance of pain. — Anonymous

Greenport station became the terminus of the Long Island Railroad’s Main line in July of 1844 ­­­— the end of the line. In the last several years, Greenport and the surrounding towns of Southold and Shelter Island have become, sadly, the “end of the line” in a completely different and tragic way for an increasing number of people suffering from drug addiction.

I have known personally at least six people from the Island who have died from overdoses since 2015, young people, 25 to 45, in their prime. And, of course, just two weeks ago, the shocking drug deaths, six in all, including yet another Island resident.

This paper’s recent insightful editorial headlined “The Human Factor,” discusses the present opioid crisis and the tendency by many of us to stereotype those who use, and sometimes die, from drugs: “Alcohol and drug dependency exists in every community, every economic class, every race and ethnic group. These days — maybe always? — it’s rare to find a family who has not been affected by a loved one who is dependent on alcohol or drugs.

Yes, “dependent on drugs or alcohol,” or food, or sex or gambling, or shopping, or exercise, or video games, or work, on and on. We are, it seems, an addicted society, therefore, the addicts are mostly us. It’s not the substance or behavior itself that, fast or slow, will kill us, literally or figuratively, it’s our addiction to it.

And though there are all kinds of addictions, with specific, substance-centric wages attached to each, they all seem to share a common incentive on the way to the end of the line: the avoidance of pain — physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

In this society, seemingly locked in an uncivil war, there’s lots of pain to go around, not only with our personal issues but, on a national level, distrust, divisiveness, deceit and disrespect of one another. But we don’t “do” pain. We do “pain-avoidance” with meds, of course, and that aforementioned panoply of distractions that keep us from identifying our pain, let alone feeling it or dealing with it.

For many of us, that’s the way we want it, or so we think. So, if we’re still looking for the stereotypical “addict,” we need go no further than the bathroom mirror (perhaps on the way to the medicine cabinet). Ironically, though, if we could see ourselves as, at the very least, potential victims of addiction, that might be progress toward acknowledging not only addiction’s pernicious effect on our society, but our own vulnerability to it.

From personal experience, I believe many of us, especially parents and/or grandparents, assuming we’ve been brave enough to acknowledge that a problem even exists, must then bear the excruciating pain of watching a beloved child or grandchild suffer addiction to whatever the substance or behavior.

Of course, the first thing we want to do is make their and our pain go away. We want to exert our strength, our experience and our wisdom in order to protect them, fix them, control their movements, their environment and, above all, keep them safe. Obviously, if the sufferer is still a minor, to some extent those efforts are possible and perhaps appropriate. But if she or he has reached adulthood, then those fervent, often desperate, attempts to help can often do more harm than good.

It turns out that in dealing with such a pitiless foe as addiction, we likely will need help as much as they do, and admitting that can be the first step in helping ourselves and our loved one. There are many resources out there, but a foundational one is Al-Anon (al-anon-suffolk-ny.org — 631-669-2827), founded by Lois Wilson, wife of Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Though Al-Anon references alcoholism specifically, its principles are applicable to any addiction. It is described this way on camelbackrecovery.com:

“To love someone and see them seemingly willfully destroying their lives evokes fear, anger and distrust. Al-Anon is designed specifically for such situations. Al-Anon is a 12-step program created as a way for the families of alcoholics and addicted people to seek a solution to their problems created by alcoholism [or other addiction].”

I am no expert in the field of addiction, but this is another one of those subjects that bears continuing, open discussion. Addiction affects us all. It thrives on secrecy and isolation and denial. It’s jealous, it’s patient. Like anxiety and racism, it must be dragged into the sunlight to a beginning of a path, and no longer the end of the line.