Love On the Rock: A tribute

“It was mid-December, 1999,” Gary Kagawa recalls. “We drove off South Ferry and made our way to the Ram’s Head Inn. The white tablecloths, the Christmas tree, the music. I thought I had stepped into a Bing Crosby movie. Oh my God, it was perfect.”

So began Gary Kagawa and John Miller’s love affair with Shelter Island that would span two decades. Their own love story would span four. 

Honolulu is the birthplace of Gary — the only child of Japanese parents — born when Hawaii was still a territory. After the bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941, Gary’s parents chose to attend colleges in the Midwest to avoid internment during World War II.

He graduated from the same private high school as Barack Obama in Honolulu. His mom encouraged him to go to college in the Midwest as she and his dad had, so he attended Carleton College in Northfield, Minn. He majored in French Studies and after he graduated, Gary’s mom introduced him to her friend, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings, who connected him to a job in advertising.

“I wanted to work in a creative environment,” Gary said. He worked as a gofer and was encouraged by a colleague from New York to move to the Big Apple because “that’s where everything happens.”

And so he did. Gary joined Young & Rubicam — the storied advertising agency — as a media planner in 1982. There he would meet the love of his life, John Miller.

John, also an only son, was born in Manhattan; his family moved to Staten Island, where he graduated from Curtis High School. He attended Grove City College in Pennsylvania and joined Young & Rubicam in 1981, where he was a trailblazer in the “out-of-home” technology, including bringing billboards to Moscow.

“On December 22, 1983, I received a pink slip in my phone box at work,” Gary remembered. “It said, ‘John Miller called.’ I had gotten to know John at work so it wasn’t out of the ordinary. He ended up calling me at home and inviting me to the opera.”

Gary was about to get a sense of John’s passion for opera and classical music. The two attended Verdi’s “Il Trovatore,” and their second date was to see “Parsifal” by Wagner. Three acts, two intermissions, and five-and-a-half hours later, “I did not fall asleep,” Gary said with pride.

He would later return home from a trip and find a Renoir postcard from John in his mailbox saying, “I miss you and can’t wait till you get back.” The couple had to keep their relationship low-key since they were co-workers and two men dating in the early 1980s.

Gary eventually transferred to Young & Rubicam’s San Francisco office. “John visited me every month, and this time allowed us to grow as individuals. I learned how to be me,” Gary reflected. When he left Y&R and went to work for Ogilvy & Mather, the couple finally became more public. “When John finally told a work friend that we were dating, the reaction was, ‘Uh, yeah, we know!’”

Later, John and Gary moved in together to an apartment building in midtown Manhattan aptly named Symphony House and strategically chosen for its short walk to the Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center and Carnegie Hall. To this day, Gary lives in this apartment during the week.

One month after the men’s picture-perfect evening at the Ram’s Head Inn in 1999 — and 16 years into their relationship — they bought their Shelter Island home in Longview Acres. They worried about how they would fit into the community until they made their way to the Shelter Island Presbyterian Church.

“We felt immediately and overwhelmingly accepted and welcomed,” Gary recalled. “The church became the center of our lives, showing us how we could build a life together.”

The couple married on April 25, 2013, one day before John’s 70th birthday. “John wanted me to marry a 60-something and not a 70-year-old!” Gary explained. John and Gary opted for a quiet ceremony, with dear friend Jeanne Tassaro as their witness.

“I had planned to get married, then go back to work,” Gary said. “John was like, ‘Really? I think you can take the whole day off.’ So we were married at City Hall downtown in the wedding section that used to be the old DMV. It was hilarious. We had lunch with Jeanne afterwards and went to see “Kinky Boots” on Broadway to celebrate. We then drove to Staten Island to place the boutonnieres that Jeanne had given us on the graves of John’s parents.”

Four months later, John and Gary’s lives would change forever: John was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. “John was just diagnosed,” Gary said. “My mom was 96 and I realized she wasn’t going to make it another year. I was laid off from my job.  This ended up being a blessing because I could focus on caring for John and my mom.” 

John was determined to not let the cancer stop him from pursuing his bucket list wishes. The men traveled to London to attend theater in the West End. John’s unbridled love for the opera brought the couple to venture on three occasions to the Wagner Festival in Bayreuth, Germany.

John’s best friend from college, Kemsey “Kem” Mackey, joined them to share in the opera fun. John also brought his love of music to the Island as a board member of the Shelter Island Friends of Music.

When COVID hit, John and Gary adopted their beloved dog Peggy Sue, who came to them so-named via Posh Pets Rescue in Long Beach. She became the joy of their lives and completed their family.

In April of 2024, 10-and-a-half years after receiving his diagnosis and fighting cancer, John passed away peacefully. “His positive outlook and determination to live life fully gave us the gift of many additional years,” Gary said. “He was full of joy and kindness. Someone with John’s diagnosis would normally live two to three years and we had the gift of more than 10.”

John loved the beauty of the Island and how Islanders cared for one another, he added noting that he loved driving around to look at the bower of trees on Nostrand Parkway and stopping at Bootleggers Alley to see the sunset. He loved taking walks along Menhaden Beach. The ferry was a signal for him to feel the calm of the Island as they would arrive on a Friday evening.

“Throughout the last few months of John’s life, we had many people come to visit. These visits, along with the cards we received, reinforced the power of community and prayer,” Gary said.

Among the many friends who came to celebrate John’s life and visited Gary to help console him was John’s former wife of five years, Suzanne Karsen; he lovingly referred to her as “the former Mrs. Miller.” And John’s best friend Kem continues to be a dear friend and support to Gary.

Shortly before John passed away, he said to Gary, “When I first saw you, I fell in love. How did I ever deserve you?”

Three consecutive dates in April hold special meaning when Gary remembers John:

April 25, 2013, the men were married; April 26, 1943, John was born; April 27, 2024, John passed away.

The unlikely meeting of two only sons from diverse backgrounds and distant coasts produced a beautiful 41-year love story worthy of an opera.