Jenifer’s Shelter Island Journal: Dinner at six

Yes, “at six.” Though it’s still an homage, in part, to that iconic, star-studded 1934 film, “Dinner at Eight” featuring, among others, John Barrymore (playing Barrymore) and the dazzling and hilarious Jean Harlow.

The fact is, now in my dotage, if I had to wait until 8 o’clock to eat, I’d have already gnawed my arm halfway to the elbow. So yes, this past Wednesday, for the first time in years, I actually cooked dinner and invited five people to eat it with me. Yup, six at six.

To some extent, I was inspired by the sweet little dining “corner” that’s part of the addition to my house which, Lord knows, I’ve mentioned enough in this space.

But also it struck me that I hadn’t hosted an official “dinner party” with food that I actually cooked and with people to whom I was not blood-related, since — is it possible? — New Year’s Eve 2018? Not that I had been the Perle Mesta (for those of you who remember Perle) of Shelter Island by any means, but my nice, roomy dining room had seen, over the decades, its share of family celebrations, of course, but also some big parties and little dinners to which “civilians” had been invited.  Nice.

Six months after that New Year’s dinner, my husband, Tom, died and six months after that the COVID Invasion began so, for me, if I’d thought about it at all, I suspect I’d have lumped “dinner parties” with other quaint vestiges of bygone eras, like stockings with seams, phones with cords, jukeboxes with nickels.

Strange times.

It was about then that I mounted my half-hearted cyber campaign to find a reasonable facsimile of a significant other. It turned out, however, that nobody was “Tom” and, besides, remote relationships were nothing if not, well, remote. But by then, “remote” was in fashion, what with masks and limited occupancy and mandatory 6-foot distances between humans, at work or at play.

No question that Queen Corona had ginned-up “remote” to a whole new level for everyone, not just 70-something widows, but — and perhaps it’s struck some of you, too — she didn’t start this trend. Mesmerized by technology, our society has been, for years, redefining “human connection” almost beyond recognition.

The results seem to suggest that loneliness has become a major by-product, a newfangled kind of loneliness that isn’t necessarily “solved,” or even assuaged by the presence of other people, who themselves are often attending to their own personal devices. 

I recall writing a column on the increase in loneliness, ambient loneliness, I now realize, a few years ago in response to an article about the United Kingdom creating a Ministry of Loneliness back in 2019. The British government produces a policy paper every year since to track the nation’s progress which, fortunately, has been considerable, but they admit there is much, much more to be done. 

Our Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy writes in his 2023 Surgeon General’s Advisory Report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation:”  “… Given the profound consequences of loneliness and isolation, we have an opportunity, and an obligation, to make the same investments in addressing social connection that we have made in addressing tobacco use, obesity, and the addiction crisis.” 

Dr. Murthy continues, “If we fail to do so, we will pay an ever-increasing price in our individual and collective health and well-being. And we will continue to splinter and divide until we can no longer stand as a community or a country … and  we will further retreat to our corners — angry, sick, and alone.”

In its survey from this past October, “What is Causing Our Epidemic of Loneliness and How Can We Fix It?” the Harvard School of Graduate Education published these findings regarding the causes of loneliness in America:

• Technology — 73% of those surveyed selected technology as contributing to loneliness in America.

• Insufficient time with family — 66% chose this issue as a reason.

• “People are overworked or too busy or tired” —  62% surveyed picked this concern.

• Mental health challenges that harm relationships with others — 60% of people rated this as a problem.

• 58% named “Living in a society that is too individualistic.”  

• No religious or spiritual life, too much focus on one’s own feelings,  the changing nature of work, more remote and hybrid schedules — were all perceived as cause by around 50% of participants.

And from most-to-least lonely, this is how the various ages fared: The loneliest group of participants, at 29%, are ages 30-44; the next, at 24%, are ages 18-29; at 20% are ages 45-64; and the least lonely, at only 10%, is the 65-plus group.

So, the six of us sat down together last Wednesday out of hunger and curiosity about the other five.  Nice. We had to start somewhere.