Shelter Island Reporter column: On retirement — Blues? Happiness? Or just plain lost?

A person I know has been working in the same profession for 50 years, always claiming to hate it. But finally, retirement is coming. And he just confessed: He is terrified.

Then there is the other scenario we know well. Those that are counting down the days, and when the day finally comes, they feel lost.

There are many aspects to retirement. The first is one’s financial readiness.  Obviously, this is of critical importance. As a mental health reporter, I am not focusing on this, although it goes without saying that people should plan as best  they can for their financial needs before they jump ship. 

Unfortunately, under this new administration, many people are being forced to retire or are living on a roller coaster not knowing whether or in what capacity their jobs will exist. Clearly those forced to retire are in a different category, likely experiencing depression, and anger, and financial stress.

For those retiring by choice, it’s a psychological milestone. Just like marriage, buying a home, the birth of a child, and that child’s departure into adulthood, retirement represents a new phase of life. Waxing poetically, it has been called “the back nine,” a common golf expression that has come to mean the fun, latter part of a person’s life.

But it is also a time when healthy people may first face their own mortality. After all, the kids are grown, the work is done, what else is there? And how many years are left of healthy life? Well, hopefully many, and that so-called “bucket list” can begin.

Many people are familiar with Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development. Erikson (1902-1994) developed this theory in 1950 to describe the tasks and challenges of each phase of life. Retirement would represent the last of his eight stages and is known as ”Ego integrity vs. Despair.”

The challenge of this stage is to engage in self-reflection to achieve a sense of wholeness and acceptance of who one is. Basically, the goal is wisdom. Unsuccessful resolution of this state is characterized by regret, bitterness, and sadness — thus integrity vs. despair.

For people whose only self-identification is through their work, maintaining “ego identity” in retirement will be difficult. It’s not just a matter of finding things to do, but it means restructuring one’s sense of self. Do I have value if I am no longer doing what I was so good at? Will I still command the respect of others? And finally, how will I maintain my emotional and cognitive abilities as long as possible.

Clearly the psychological task is to ensure that this new and perhaps final stage of life is one that brings positive self-esteem and fulfillment.

Terry Mitchell, a professor emeritus at the University of Washington, has used his academic and personal experience to write and lecture on retirement. He notes that everyone’s retirement is different, but there are some common experiences. He says that most people spend their final working years thinking about their post-retirement life, which usually means what they do in early retirement. But this is often just a honeymoon phase, like fixing up the house or a trip to Europe. That phase frequently turns to loneliness, boredom, and disillusionment. 

This is because retirement is not a vacation, but a permanent state.

Mitchell suggests that people should spend time thinking about two things: what gives them pleasure and what gives them meaning. Really understanding these two concepts is the route toward finding “ego integrity.” And since for so many people, their job was a means to achieve a certain life style, “pleasure” and “meaning” were not part of the equation.

And yes, I can make all the obvious suggestions here — take classes, volunteer, learn a new language, pick up that instrument from junior high school — all these recommendations are important. But if they don’t bring pleasure or meaning, they are just activities. There’s no need to stay with something merely because it fills time. It may take a while to find something that really resonates. Have patience.

And sometimes finding something meaningful is serendipitous. As a retired social worker, I wanted to help the community during the pandemic. I wrote a newspaper article that I thought might be helpful. Now I’m a columnist for this newspaper.

Another important aspect of retirement is how relationships shift. For people who have gone to an office every day, friendships and acquaintances are baked in.  Lunches are often social events, the proverbial water cooler conversations are real, and many people need not engage with too many other people after the work day ends. There may be a spouse or partner at home, there’s family, and perhaps a few friends. But who else does the average person (often male) need?

Generally, once retirement occurs, most work relationships fall by the wayside when people realize that their bond was in fact job-related. Do you want to find new friends at age 65? And if so, how do you do it?  Some people retire to independent living situations, which can be as friendly as the freshman dorm — new friends there for the making.

Others may retire to Florida where retirement communities abound. Often instead of new friends, retirees prefer to spend more time with children and grandchildren, a lovely benefit for everyone.

Then there are those who retire to Shelter Island after many years as a “summer person.” That transition can be difficult. Summers and weekends may have consisted of a few Island friends and visiting guests, but now it is all four seasons. How does one remain fulfilled during the long Shelter Island winter? The best answer goes back to finding what brings pleasure and meaning.

Like-minded people will find themselves at the same places, and friendships organically arise. This is true not only for people retiring to Shelter Island, but also for those whose living arrangements stay the same after retirement.

But wherever retirees end up, shifts in their relationships with their spouses or partners are common. Too much “together time” often leads to strain. Or if one partner has a fuller life than the other, he or she may be reluctant to bring the partner into it.

It can be a mistake to rely too much on someone else to fulfill one’s retirement needs.  While much can be done together—trips, hobbies, family—retirement is a journey that ultimately will be done alone.

The last phase of retirement is maintaining one’s physical, cognitive, and mental health. Let’s face it, at some time all of us will be challenged. It is frustrating and frightening to experience the decline that is part of aging. But accepting and handling it leads to extending the sense of well-being that aging can bring.

When I go to the FIT Center and see nonagenarians (that’s 90-year-olds) slowly working the machines, my 72-year-old self is in awe. I want to be like them someday. Age has slowed them down, but has not stopped them.

This time of year, we will be hearing those college commencement speeches when the esteemed speaker tells the graduating kids to “find their passion.” That’s not an easy task when they need to find jobs to pay their debts or at age 21 have no idea what their passions are.

Those speeches should really be given upon retirement after a long life of finding oneself.

As Fred Rogers said, “Often when you are at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.”

Nancy Green is a retired social worker.