Column: Moving forward — Siblings

Brothers and sisters — most of us have them. Often, they are the longest relationships of our lives and contribute so much of who we are as people. Except for “birth order theories,” most psychological writings neglect this most important life-long relationship that usually combines competition, resentment, loyalty, and love.

At 20%, there are now more single-child families in the U.S. than ever before. But they are still a minority. We older people grew up barely knowing kids without siblings, and many had a whole clan. There were the kids who fought constantly or always felt that they were getting the short end of the stick. Then there were the families where the kids always seemed to be playing harmoniously. 

The truth is that most were doing both — playing and fighting because that is the nature of the relationship. And a fact of childhood is that most siblings spend more time together than with anyone else. Some may look back fondly and others less so. But ultimately, rare is the adult who regrets having a sibling.

Developmentally, having a sibling teaches a child early in life how to share and learn (or as my mother would say to each of us), “The world does not revolve around you.” The oldest child is forced to learn this difficult lesson the minute the new baby is born. Second and subsequent children are born into a world where waiting their turn comes with the territory.  

As they grow up, closeness or lack thereof depends on so many factors: family size, outside family influences, whether a competitive or cooperative spirit prevails in the household, or just the yin and yang of personalities. It’s difficult to generalize because families are so different. There are blended families with step and half siblings; there are class and socio-economic differences; American-born and immigrant families; and of course, the mix of boys and girls (or not) plays an important role in how they relate to each other.

New York Times reporter Susan Dominus’s recent book, “The Family Dynamic” extensively studies families where the siblings are all high achievers. She looks to find a “secret sauce” and there are some interesting similarities. Obviously, the parents play a major role in this, but she argues that often siblings push each other to succeed in ways that parents might not, particularly since they are of the same generation and they may have the inside track to success. Dominus talks about her own family where her older brother pushed her to start a school newspaper. As an acclaimed journalist, the rest is history.

In a funny 2011 conversation between siblings, Adam and Alison Gopnik (the former is a writer, the latter a scientist), try to explore their relationship and how it came to be.  They fail, of course, because the science of siblings is so scanty. (Only 3% of developmental studies focus on siblings). So Adam suggests instead turning to literature (the Corleones, for example) to really understand family dynamics. 

But Alison does say, “What we share with brothers and sisters is, in every sense, our DNA: not just elements of the real, physical double helix, but also the more metaphoric helix, the twisted together nucleus of references, humiliation, ambitions, smells and sources of light that form what used to be called a soul.”  

In less lofty language, what she’s talking about here are the implicit and explicit family norms, the jokes, the sayings, the shared family experiences, the memories (good and bad), and the multitude of daily interactions that friends and outsiders will never know about.  

Let me briefly mention birth order. While anecdotally it often rings true, there is little scientific evidence to support it. In a very simplistic nutshell, psychoanalyst Alfred Adler originally proposed it, saying that the high expectations on the oldest child lead to a sense of responsibility and ambition. The youngest child, he argued, overcomes the sense of inferiority by becoming emotionally adept and engaging.

Finally, he said, the middle child overcomes the feelings of neglect by becoming the family “mediator.” I throw this out for you to think about your own family and others you know and decide if it resonates.

More important than birth order is how to help create a lifelong harmony that is possible for siblings instead of the emotional estrangement that sometimes occurs.

Dr. Laurie Kramer, a psychologist, studied sibling conflict extensively. She went into homes with a recording device so the parents could hear the interactions between the kids. While most parents claimed they knew how to intervene, she and her team saw that the reality was usually the opposite. Parents either did nothing or came in with a sledgehammer, shouting and forcing separations. She worked with parents so they could teach their children the skills to manage conflicts and to give them language to open the conversation.  

Obviously, the level of engagement varies depending on the ages of the children, but this type of help can begin very young. Dr. Kramer estimates that kids between the age of 4 and 8 can have up to 8 fights per hour. Teaching children emotional regulation can have a positive effect throughout life. For example, when a child says to her sister, “I hate you,” she can be taught that it is not “hate,” but frustration that she feels. At the same time, Kramer tries to teach sibling empathy — helping the siblings to understand each other’s feelings.  

Yet with all the fighting and rivalry for attention, the joy and fun of companionship cannot be underestimated. The games invented, the language created, and the togetherness that is unique to each set of siblings is usually life-enriching.

When siblings grow up, they face new challenges. Perhaps a spouse is unliked. Perhaps the parents are aging and one sibling is doing more to help. Perhaps there is disparity in wealth. Those who have maintained a good relationship throughout life are generally better able to weather these life obstacles. Those who learned to talk to each other as kids are most likely to talk through these situations and avoid resentment. Sibling estrangement is sad, particularly when the parents are gone. After all, they were there from the beginning and should be there until the end.   

Nancy Green is a social worker with one older brother.