Shelter Islander counts his blessings for Father’s Day

Tom Spotteck and his wife Amira say that he takes things as they come, reacting to emergencies by doing what needs to be done without a roadmap, while she’s usually the one with the facts and the plan.

If this sounds like a military operation, it’s partly because of Tom’s training as a Marine, and partly because the birth of their children, Cooper and Leili, on June 13, 2023, threw this growing family into a maelstrom of challenges and joy.

“I got thrown into fatherhood that day, full bore,” Tom said.

The couple are Shelter Island residents; Tom is the head winemaker at Lenz Winery in Peconic.

When the twins were born at Peconic Bay Medical Center, Cooper had trouble breathing, and was transferred to another hospital for treatment, accompanied by Tom, while Amira, who was still hospitalized for serious post-partum complications, stayed with Leili. Tom had to shuttle between the two hospitals, at one point making a five-hour round-trip to take 15 milliliters of breast milk from Amira to Cooper. 

The crisis deepened when their doctors told them that Cooper had suffered a series of strokes that left him with brain damage. It wasn’t until July 4 that Cooper was stabilized enough to be released, and their life on Shelter Island could begin.

Their first months at home were extremely difficult, as you’d expect with twins, but Cooper was suffering many seizures, and every aspect of his care was complicated and specialized. “We are so appreciative to the Shelter Island community who came together to support us during a very difficult time,” Tom said. “We couldn’t do it without the help of our families, especially my mom who has never left our side. It definitely takes a village.” 

A family friend came by one day, found everybody crying and took the twins for a walk to give Mom and Dad a few minutes of peace. Another friend organized the community to deliver daily, home-cooked meals to them. “Our food, something I never really even thought of,” said Tom. “It just magically happened.” Island Emergency Medical Services was on alert that Cooper needed to be taken to a hospital that could treat him if he had a seizure in the middle of the night, and a friend arranged to have their lawn mowed when it started looking shaggy.

Tom learned the true power of teamwork, as he and Amira shifted to a divide-and-conquer strategy. “Two kids with two people is too hard,” he said. “I know this math doesn’t add up, but one person at home with one child, while the other goes with the other, is much easier.” 

The decision to stay on Shelter Island is one that poses “a huge life dilemma,” said Tom. “I’ve always said this is where I want to be, this is where my family is, and if I have kids, this is where I want to raise them … but I can’t even tell you how many times we’ve been to a specialist in the city and, we ask, well, how do we do this? They say, ‘I suggest you move.’”

On the Friday before Father’s Day, Cooper and Leili will celebrate their second birthday, and they are both making progress every day. Leili chatters with her dolls and administers their medicines, just as she’s seen her parents give Cooper his. Cooper is increasingly free from seizures, and gazes adoringly at his sister thanks to a program he began last August at Weill-Cornell Medical Center for which they go to New York for a one-week stay every two to three months. “They are changing every day,” said Tom.

Fatherhood also meant a new approach to the work/life balance all fathers struggle with. “It started with a shift to knowing that there is more than just myself. But I’d say it’s evolved over time; it’s gotten much stronger. I’m learning all the time how to be a father, and I don’t even know how to be a human yet!”

He says he’s developed a certain sensitivity from having a child with a lot of health challenges, especially since he sees other fathers regularly face even harder situations. “It makes me more compassionate, to see others possibly dealing with the worst of the worst problems,” he said.

Tom is the primary breadwinner in his family, and although Amira has been able to go back to work part-time, they depend heavily on his work. Working at Lenz as the head winemaker is hands-on work, especially during harvest season, when Tom and the farm manager make crucial decisions about when to pick and how to process the grapes that he’ll make wine from; and they only get one shot at it every year.

Peter and Deborah Carroll, the owners of Lenz, have been extremely generous and flexible in accommodating Tom’s need to be with his family during Cooper’s many hospitalizations — 86 nights in the first year — going so far as to allow Amira to bring the children to the winery three days a week for Cooper’s appointments to receive New York State therapy services that are unavailable on Shelter Island. 

“They treat us like family,” Tom said. 

The biggest surprise fatherhood has provided is the joy of watching every member of his family grow and transform. “The transformation of my wife, what she’s been able to do, and handle, and watching them grow through all of this, it, has been …. amazing.”