Shelter Island Reporter Column: The bully
Bullies have been around since Goliath taunted David — and probably before then.
When I was growing up in the 1960’s, some kids got picked on. There were the kids with “cooties” (whatever that meant; I still have no idea), the overweight unathletic boys, and the uncool girls.
Then there were the kids who were made fun of for other reasons. I was one of those my first year at summer camp. I was homesick, and was picked on because of it. That led to more homesickness and then more bullying.
But I survived and moved on. Most victims do. But many do not.
It wasn’t until the 1980’s that bullyism was identified as a serious problem, and not just a fact of growing up, meant to be endured. Dan Olweus (1931-2020), a Norwegian psychologist, is the father of modern bullying identification and prevention.
He began studying the problem in the 1970’s, but was galvanized by the 1982 suicides of three boys in separate incidents in northern Norway, which led to his continued work throughout Europe and the U.S.
Olweus’s seminal 1993 book, “Bullying at School: What We know and What We Can Do,” has provided a blueprint for parents and schools. His evidenced-based work discusses how to detect bullying and what schools can do to prevent and handle it.
Of course, this work was all done prior to the advent of cyberbullying. Online tormenting only magnifies the problem. In a recent CNN article, social worker Nikki Pagano wrote, “Before social media, there might have been an unpleasant interaction at school and that’s mostly where it stopped. Now that interaction carries over to home and is inescapable. Instead of one person making you feel bad, there may be something posted online and peers may be seeing or even ‘liking’ the post.”
Much has been written about what teachers and parents can do to help the victims. Specifically, parents should be aware of the warning signs, such as not wanting to attend school, depression and anxiety. They should report this to the school, and any threatening messages to the police.
The child’s phone can be monitored for peer harassment. Children can be taught skills to develop assertive strategies. For example, role-playing difficult school encounters at home can help. I liken it to a kind of emotional self-defense.
However, in my view, not enough attention has been paid to the bully. Who becomes one and how can that path be altered? According to the American Psychological Association, aggressive behavior is learned at home. Children who are exposed to an overly strict environment and who are treated cruelly may turn this behavior on others.
But it appears more complicated than that. On one end of the spectrum are the kids who are truly trouble makers, and on the other end may be the kids who have low self-esteem and feel the need to harass others to keep from being bullied themselves. According to the Child Mind Institute, kids bully for a variety of reasons. Here are just a few:
• Children are picking on one classmate and they want to fit in.
• They are getting bullied at home or school and they are modeling this behavior to try to gain a sense of control.
• They have not been successful in getting attention from their parents, teachers or peers.
• They are just more impulsive and perhaps angrier than other kids.
• They may perceive other kids as hostile, even when they are not.
• They do not understand the ramifications of their behavior. (This is true with younger children.)
One problem is that parents generally do not know that their child is a bully. After all, these are not the kids coming home crying. But once they are informed, they need to act.
A parent who denies it or blames the other children becomes complicit in the behavior and will only exacerbate the problem.
Any parent knows that it is really difficult to acknowledge that your kid is doing mean stuff. It takes an open-minded and non-defensive person to ask the right questions of their child and look into the situation honestly.
The current thinking is that the school, rather than the victim’s parent, should be the one to confront the bully’s parent. The victim’s parents can address the bully’s parents directly if they know each other and have a good relationship.
According to Stompoutbullying.org, there is a particular “bullying personality.” Some of these traits may stand out: aggressiveness, a need to control, a need to win, impulsiveness, testing of boundaries, skill at talking their way out of difficult situations, and showing little sympathy toward others who are bullied.
It is difficult for a parent to look critically at their child, but if they see this behavior (and they may only notice it toward a sibling at home), it should not be dismissed or thought of as “just a phase.” Here are some tips for parents:
• Talk to your child. Explain how this behavior causes pain in others. Name-calling, teasing, hitting, starting rumors, and cyberbullying are wrong. Let them know that there will be consequences if this behavior continues.
• Teach empathy. Talk about and demonstrate the power of kindness. Give concrete and age-appropriate examples of what kindness looks like and reinforce the effort. Take your child to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter to help them have a better understanding of the world.
• Monitor or remove cell phones if it is a case of cyberbullying. It sounds so obvious, but it is actually quite difficult.
• Look honestly at your family. Is there a parent who is short-tempered and aggressive? Is this being modeled? If so, counseling may be in order.
Simply speaking, the key is to stop the bully. While this subject is complicated — and the victim sometimes becomes the bully — there are kids out there who perpetrate this and lead others to follow. If parents and teachers can identify and modify this behavior, those who follow them will also engage in more positive interactions.
The earlier the behavior is stopped and empathy is taught, the easier it is to transform an aggressive kid to a kinder human being.
Nancy Green is a retired social worker and a member of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Alliance.
