Moving forward: The anguish of family estrangement

This holiday season brings joy to many and sadness to some. But those suffering from family estrangement experience a different kind of sadness. It’s a loss that’s often incomprehensible, leading to depression and emptiness.

On the other end of the spectrum is the person who initiated the estrangement. While not joyous, there may be a sense that an essential need has been fulfilled.

According to Karl Pillemer, a professor at Cornell University, in 2019, nearly 27% of Americans were currently estranged from a relative. This would have been unheard of a generation ago. Major societal shifts have changed the way people view the concept of family. Until recently the cliche of “blood being thicker than water” was seen as a truism.

Sometimes there were stories of siblings no longer speaking to each other because of an unfair inheritance or a business deal gone bad, but rarely did adult children permanently freeze out their parents. In fact, adult children generally assisted in their parents’ care into old age despite the kind of parent they were.

Roberta Satow, Ph.D., in her 2005 book, “Doing the Right Thing,” talks about a harrowing childhood with her mother, but how she dutifully (if unhappily) takes control of her care as she ages and advises others who are in a similar situation.  

A lot has changed in the past 20 years. It’s not infrequent for adult children to perceive their parents as “toxic” and believe that no contact is best for them, as well as for their children. This is generally agonizing to the parents who are suddenly yanked away from their children and their grandchildren and whose memory of their children’s upbringing is completely at odds with what they are hearing.

Psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of “Rules of Estrangement,” writes, “A common thread in the perspective of estranged children is allegations of harm committed by the parent.” Coleman experienced it personally. As a divorced parent and “Disney Dad,” his adult daughter blamed him for his absence and cut him out of her life for a time. His life’s work became working with estranged families attempting to bring reconciliation.

But now, in so many situations, there are allegations of not just neglect but of outright abuse. Psychologist and researcher Nick Haslam says that in the past 30 years the bar has been lowered as to what constitutes abuse. Gone is the definition of abuse consisting of physical harm; now it often means emotional scars due to a perception of bad parenting.

Whose narrative is correct? Pillemer says that calling someone toxic is in the eye of the beholder. “Not so,” psychologist Sherrie Campbell would say. She counsels estranged adult children (who use the initials “NC” for “no contact” instead of estranged). She, herself, is an NC.  

Campbell differentiates between parents with low emotional intelligence who are unwittingly insensitive and those who inflict emotional abuse daily. The former are clueless and can be educated, but the latter are cruel, controlling, never wrong, demeaning, and manipulative.  She says that children do not cause bad parents, but suffer from them. Her life’s work has been to help people make the difficult decision to leave. She helps adult children understand who their parents are, make the decision to go no-contact, be at peace with the decision, and to move on.

Kaytee Gillis is another therapist who works with “survivors.” In a recent “Psychology Today” article she asserts that today’s increase in no contact is because in previous eras people stayed silent because of stigma, religious pressure, financial dependence, or cultural expectations, suffering in silence. She maintains that there is now less of a taboo in the decision to have no contact, and an entire supportive network of friends, therapists, and an online community. 

In writing this. I’ve been reading a plethora of online threads supporting the NC community. One commenter put it succinctly: “Fundamentally, the estranged parents see estrangement as an adult child incorrectly punishing them for normal parenting. The estranged adult children, however, tend to see estrangement as a defense mechanism — a way to protect themselves and their immediate family/household from abuse or mistreatment by the parent.”

So, can they ever meet in the middle?

Many of the participants in these online forums deplore therapists like Coleman who try to bring about a reconciliation. They compare these parents to an abusive boyfriend who keeps coming back after the break-up. Obviously, the grieving parents see it differently.

So, when Coleman is successful in getting the adult child and parents together (which in and of itself indicates a desire for some contact), he stresses the need for the parent to listen. He says, “Listen in a non-defensive way. Try to find a kernel of truth in his assertions, however hurtful they may be. Even if his words are at odds with your memory and self-reflections, try to hear it as his perspective and not a matter of right or wrong.” It is a challenge that not every parent is up to.

But the truth of the matter is that the adult child is now holding all the cards. Even if the parent thinks the child’s perceptions are completely misguided, they still need to listen and try to understand how things went so wrong that the child cut off contact. It’s painful to seek forgiveness when you don’t think you’re wrong. But looking for that kernel of truth may help to understand that it is not all out of left field. 

Some therapists recommend writing a letter because it gives the parent an opportunity to carefully choose their words. And those words should not be a false apology such as, “I’m sorry that you feel this way.” It should be, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things to hurt you.”

In Laura Davis’s book, “I’d Never Thought We Would Speak Again,” she addresses her troubled relationship with her own mother. This stemmed from the author accusing her grandfather of sexual abuse, a charge that her mother never accepted. Davis says that peace can be made without forgiving past hurts so long as the desire to move forward into a new relationship exists on both sides. Her mother never believed her accusations, but ultimately, they were able to move on.

Finally, in the cases where adult children refuse reconciliation, the parents are left with few options. They may be struggling with whether to continue to reach out and if so, how to do it. Tina Wakefield, a parent coach, suggests emailing or leaving a voice mail to say, “I love you and want to talk to you whenever you’re ready.” It may take years … or never, but the message is one of caring.

If the child doesn’t respond, it’s time for the parent to focus on healing themselves.  Perhaps they did make grave mistakes in parenting. Perhaps they did cause harm.  Self-awareness through therapy, a support group, and honest conversations can help as they move forward in their life. And who knows, if that child is ever willing to talk, the parent will be ready.

Some wisdom from an unknown author: “Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your new growth.” 

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Committee.