Shelter Island Reporter Column: Taming the monster

In Shakespeare’s Othello, Iago tells Othello that jealousy is the “green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”

In other words, the “monster” becomes all-consuming and destructive. How many of us have experienced jealousy? It’s powerful and unpleasant — not only for what we’re feeling it about, but for how it makes us feel about ourselves. It’s also a common emotion and a fact of life.

Just to be technically accurate, psychologists differentiate between jealousy and envy, although in common conversation, people use them interchangeably. Psychologists would say that envy involves two people, such as “I want what so and so has.”

Jealousy tends to involve a third party when there’s a threat of loss of something, such as a partner or position. Here’s a great example from Vocabulary.com: “If you want your neighbor’s new convertible, you feel envy. If she takes your husband for a ride, you feel jealousy.” 

Jealousy starts young. Think of the older sibling “welcoming” a baby into the family.  It can be intense and disruptive, but the process of learning to love a sibling is also one of the best ways to learn how to negotiate life-long relationships.

Competition is also learned young, and is a great motivator to thrive and to achieve.  Healthy competition means there are winners and losers, and losing is an art that must be learned. If it’s not, the child may grow into an angry and forever-envious adult.  After all, there is always someone wealthier, more attractive, and smarter. Ask Elon Musk, who never seems satisfied with what he has.

It’s normal to want what others have. Envy can be a great motivator. One friend goes to the gym and becomes fit. Her friend decides that she can do this, too. Voila, two fit friends! I call this the “clear-eyed striver.” The problem is when the clear-eyed striver turns into the green-eyed monster.

And here is where anger and resentment come in — because the destructively envious person wants to take away what the other person has, not just to achieve it themselves.

Usually, envy is directed toward someone known and something not ridiculously out of reach. For example, I may be envious of my basketball team’s best player, but hold no animus toward LeBron James.

Or, I may hate that my sister became wealthy, but I do not begrudge Jeff Bezos (and those ubiquitous Amazon packages). Americans seem to love the rich and famous, but cannot stand it when their neighbor hits it big.

There are people whose lives are truly difficult and challenging, for example those in poverty or suffering from illness. Is it more than understandable that they envy others who are better off? Of course. But even those in these circumstances can help themselves by not dwelling on their envy, but by recognizing what they do have and figuring out the best possible way to handle their hardships.

It is considered impolite to openly acknowledge envy. This is curious, since it’s such a normal emotion, but at the same time, it’s reviled by society.

Just watch the Academy Award nominees who don’t get the Oscar. Their happy performances are stunning. Or take the workplace where jealousy is common. People are often being bypassed for promotions by someone they deem inferior.

But to complain to the boss will surely get them bypassed the next time around.

So, how do we tame the monster?  The first step in dealing with envy is to acknowledge it. In a recent New York Times article, Dr. Robert Leahy says, “Own up to it.” You can love your friend and at the same time be envious of them.  Appreciate, rather than resent what they have. You might even have a conversation with them, letting them know that you admire what they’ve done, and perhaps learn from them.

Nuala Walsh, in a Psychology Today article last year, suggests making comparisons to oneself rather than others. For example: “Although I cannot buy that million-dollar home, twenty years ago I never thought I would have a home this nice.”

Or, if the neighbor’s kid gets straight “A’s,” perhaps the parent should focus on how their child has improved and can still improve. Otherwise, that envy can be transmitted to the child.

In understanding jealousy, there may be deeper roots than what appears. The person must ask why they are feeling this way. Is it only about the current situation or does it feel reminiscent of something in the past?

Do they have deep insecurities based on earlier relationships and hurts? Is their self-esteem so damaged that they always fear imminent loss? In cases like this, counseling can be useful to understand and repair earlier emotional injuries.

And finally, there is the half-empty and half-full equation. Sometimes people just need to look at what they have rather than what they don’t have. Cognitive behavioral therapists will help people focus on this rational lens of their life and help them find appreciation for what they have.

The green-eyed monster feeds on anger and resentment. Appreciation and gratitude not only tame him, but destroy him.

Nancy Green is a retired social worker and a member of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Alliance.