Column: What’s with mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law?

It seems like men have been making jokes about their mothers-in-law forever — remember that car decal, “Mother-in-law in trunk”? The conventional wisdom was that the mom was so dominant that the wife allowed her to run the show. Then, as the mother aged, she moved in and really ruled the roost.  

Who knows if this happened more than anecdotally, or was just part of an old comedy routine.

Less commonly talked about is the relationship between those mothers-in-law and the women who marry their sons. It seems nowadays the conflict is more pervasive there.

When I got married 50 years ago, I was afraid of my mother-in-law. At under five feet, she was such a powerhouse that she could lacerate anyone with her zingers. And they were usually funny while hitting their mark. I knew better than to cross her. 

In fact, back in the day in countries like India and China, the young wife (usually from an arranged marriage) moved in with the husband’s family and was forced to follow all the family rules. 

Not so in the United States today, where it often seems that as soon as those wedding bells ring, the new wife takes over. As Tanya Rose writes in Prime Women magazine, “Your new daughter-in-law becomes the gatekeeper to a relationship with your son and grandchildren.”

In fact, what I am hearing from some of my peers is that they’re afraid of their daughters-in-law. They talk about tiptoeing around them and always being wary of offending them. Only praise and nothing to be construed as criticism seems to be permitted. How has the shoe moved to the other foot in a generation?

Obviously, this is not always the case. Many of these relationships are close and wonderful. But it’s interesting to understand what makes them become fraught, how to overcome it, and what roles the sons/husbands can take to improve these relationships.  

Social Work researchers Geoffrey Greif and Michael Wooley have done extensive research on in-law relationships. In their 2020 book, they state that bringing a new relationship into families makes them more complex. They can be joyous and comforting, but can also be contentious and disappointing. To make things work there is often anxiety and egg-shell walking. 

They found that only 15% of the relationships were really poor, but the surprising results were that in every metric, the mothers-in-law rated the relationship better than the daughters-in-law. This included factors such as how close they felt to each other, how much they admired the other, how much they wanted to spend time together, and how much trust they had for each other.

From the anecdotal conversations I’ve had and from my reading, it does look like mothers-in-law want more of a relationship than the other way around. And whether this is because they truly want a relationship with the daughter-in-law, or because she is the gatekeeper to their son and grandchildren, remains to be seen.

There seem to be three main issues: status quo disruption, role ambiguity, and boundaries.

Status Quo Disruption

When more people are brought into a family it inevitably becomes more complicated.  Take, for example, the birth of a sibling. It’s usually a great gift to the first born, but it may take time for him to understand that. When a new spouse is brought into a family, the relationship between the son and his mom will normally change. Whatever connection that was unique between them must either be shared or may no longer exist.  While all good moms want to see their sons happy, this shift may still be difficult.

One may ask if this is true with mothers and daughters to the same extent and the answer is usually no. If their relationship is close, once they marry it will remain that way, and they will continue to enjoy their mother-daughter bond.

Role ambiguity and disagreements

This could be as simple as figuring out whose parents to spend the holidays with (often resolved by splitting Thanksgiving and Christmas) or as complicated as differing views about child rearing and lifestyles. In time, roles do change. For example, if the mom was the family matriarch, once she becomes a mother-in-law and grandmother, she may not hold the same sway. In this country, youth is respected over age, and the daughter-in-law may begin to call the shots. For example, if the mom always presided over family dinners, it may be time to expect some changes.

Disagreements regarding parenting and lifestyle are complicated. The expression “close your mouth and open your wallet” is generally a good bet. The son’s and daughter’s choices should be respected unless there is a good reason to believe otherwise. Differences in parenting philosophies are normal. Only if the grandparent feels that someone is being harmed by these choices should they intervene. Stepping in should be done sensitively and carefully. After all, if the daughter-in-law feels criticized and becomes defensive, it will only make things worse. 

Boundaries

This may be the most difficult concept for parents to accept. They may be welcome to baby sit, but not to just visit for no reason. What was once the nuclear family has changed. Mothers- and fathers-in-law are now the extended family and come on an invitation-only basis. Never drop in unannounced.  

There may be rules that the parents do not understand, but must respect. For example, parents should not bring cookies to a no-sugar household or toys when told not to. It isn’t easy — especially if they find those rules to be silly. But it is not their house.  And with a little finesse they may learn when those rules are flexible enough to bend.

Final thoughts

Although the power dynamic is usually with the daughter-in-law, it does not mean that mothers-in-law should shrivel up in a corner. They are still a family, just one learning to adapt to new relationships. Mothers-in-laws should express their needs in clear and non-judgmental ways. They need to let their daughters-in-law know they have no intention of taking over, but just want to be part of their lives.

Daughters-in-law need to stop feeling threatened. There should not be a power play, but an attempt to expand the family. If they feel judged or intruded upon, they can express the need for boundaries in a diplomatic and sensitive way.

The first step could be a long and delightful lunch — with just the two of them. It may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

In the end, the rest of the family will thank them for they, too, are the beneficiaries of a loving mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship.

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island Health and Wellness Committee.