Joanne Sherman’s column: You didn’t ask, but… 

 Congratulations to the class of 2026. Not counting pre-K, you’ve been in school for 13 years — 72.2% of your entire life. WOW! That’s a lot of learning.

Some of you are headed off to college and trade schools for even more education. By the time you’re 20, you will have spent 79% of your life learning stuff, which, in part, answers the question you often asked: “Why do I have to do all this math, anyhow! I’ll never use it!” 

Because 79% is wrong. The correct number is 75%, but you knew that, right? See! All that math is already paying off!

There’s a thing that happens when you graduate. Friends, family and complete strangers will offer lots of unsolicited advice. I’ll go first! 

• Text your mother.

• At least one of your college roommates or co-workers will be a jerk. Get used to it. We’re everywhere.

• Remember Murphy’s law. It warns: if anything can go wrong, it will. 

• Always have a backup plan (see above.)

• Leave it better than you found it.

• Did you memorize the “I before E except after C” rule? Forget about it. There are 900-plus times that rule’s not right. Just ask Sheila. Or Keith. It’s weird.

• You are what you do when nobody’s looking.

• If you find yourself wondering, “Should I really be doing this?” you already know you shouldn’t.

• Never mix bleach and ammonia.

• Most of the things you’ll worry about will never happen.

• Let the dog on the furniture. 

• Make sure the flue’s open before you light the fire.

• When you toss your red T-shirt in with a load of white jockey shorts you’re going to end up with pink tighty-whiteys. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

• Speaking of laundry, a dirty shirt turned inside out is still a dirty shirt. 

• Never put in writing what you wouldn’t mind seeing reprinted in the Reporter and/or online. The Reporter sits on the end table for a week; online is forever. 

• If you have to ask someone else to smell it to see if it’s bad, it’s bad. 

• Be nice. If you can’t be nice, be kind. If you can’t do either, be quiet.

• Unless you’re in a room with a cathedral ceiling, don’t dump a full bottle of bubble bath into a Jacuzzi

• If you’re a nurse, a nun or a bride it’s O,K. to wear white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.  Everyone else, nope! People say that’s not the rule anymore. Those are the same people who will judge you if you wear white during the off-white months.

• Be the kind of person who doesn’t care if people judge you. 

• Don’t be judgy.

• Three of the most important items you’ll need in life are duct tape, WD-40 and a phone. If a thing moves and it shouldn’t, tape it. If it should move and it doesn’t, oil it. If the tape and the oil don’t work, call your dad. 

• When you get lost, and you will get lost, ask for directions.

• Don’t be fooled by optical illusions. The other line is not moving faster. 

• There’s no place like Shelter Island. That’s a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. But that doesn’t change the facts — there is no place like this place.

• A 3-fer: Wear a seat belt, count your blessings and never pass up the opportunity to use a bathroom.

• Try to be around people who make you laugh.

• Instead of thinking, “I have to text my mother,” say, “I want to text my mother.”

• Better yet, call your mother.

And finally, one last piece of advice about jerks: just don’t be one.