For some, Christmas is a dark time: Domestic abuse doesn’t break for the holidays

This is the season of light, where families come together in peace, and share their love for one another.

Most families.

There are some families where bright, happy, loving times can turn dark. Domestic abuse and violence is a searing experience no matter the time of year. Around the holidays, it can be even more damaging and dangerous to individuals and families, and adds an extra dose of heartbreak to people’s lives.

There are no hard and fast statistics that domestic abuse/violence increases around the Christmas holidays, said Loretta Davis, executive director of The Retreat. The East Hampton-based nonprofit assists families on the East End who are experiencing abusive situations.

“We regularly hear and support the survivors who tell us that holidays are extremely stressful and dangerous times,” Ms. Davis said. “Financial pressure, strained family relationships, increased alcohol and substance consumption and continued isolation driven by the pandemic create volatile and dangerous environments.”

The Retreat offers a host of services from relocating or giving shelter to women and children who need to flee abuse, to providing counseling services to the entire family — sometimes together and other times individually. It also offers a 24-hour bilingual hotline, 631-329-2200, and legal advocacy and prevention education, along with the emergency shelter option.

Shelter Island Town Social Worker Lucille Buergers noted that, “Determining if there is more of a problem at the holidays is difficult to say.” She agreed that increased financial and family pressure, alcohol and substance abuse, can trigger abuse, as well as “the fact that abusers may be spending more time at home.”

But “it’s not a cut-and-dried fact that there is an increase [in abuse/violence incidents],” she added. “There are conditions that are present that can lead to incidents, but the holidays themselves are not the main cause of the behavior.”

Ms. Buergers said that more cases are reported in January than in late December, citing factors such as “the pressure during the holidays to put on a facade of the picture-perfect family as guests and other family members are around more. Victims don’t want to ruin the holidays for their family members, so they put up with behavior that might usually feel intolerable. Abusers know that they can take advantage at times like these.”

Ms. Davis agreed, adding, “It’s important to remember that abuse is usually very methodical, thought-out, and purposeful — the abuser knows exactly what they are doing. It can happen at any moment. Domestic violence is about power and control. One person intentionally exerting control over another person.”

She added that domestic abuse and violence can happen to anyone; it includes all economic classes. She made a point of saying that experiencing it is not a sign of weakness.

Ms. Buergers has important advice for victims if a situation erupts:

• Have a contingency plan if there is a need to flee threatening behavior (i.e., hide extra keys outside, have money in a safe place, have a friend who is willing to take you in, etc.)

• Have the local police number — for Shelter Island, call 911 or 631-749-0600 — and a victims’ hotline number on your phone. For Shelter Island, The Retreat hotline number is 631-329-2200.

• Have the number of a close friend who can act as an ally and be on standby to get you out of the situation or act as a witness.

• Keep your phone and money on you at all times.

• Try to stay around or visit extended family members as opportunities to minimize being alone with the abuser.

• Walk away from potentially explosive situations to try to defuse or alleviate the situation temporarily.

“The toll that it takes on a victim and the rest of the family, especially children, is devastating,” Ms. Buergers said. “Reaching out for help to a domestic violence program, the police, a social worker or even a primary care doctor can start victims on a path of survival and recovery.”

Bringing a little Christmas to suffering people

In addition to victims suffering emotional and physical abuse in domestic situations, financial abuse occurs in 9 out of 10 cases as well.

That’s according to Kim Nichols, development and marketing director of The Retreat.

“Money is an easy way to control another’s life,” Ms. Nichols said. “Our clients struggle with meeting basic needs and the holidays are especially hard.”

The organization has recently launched a program called “The Retreat’s Adopt A Family” to help those in need financially. “It gives donors a personal look at our families, with individual stories provided by each client,” Ms. Nichols said. “And it let’s our clients know that this community cares about them. They are not alone.”

Gift cards for groceries, gas and cash cards, such as VISA are distributed along with donations of self-care items and clothes.

“I just handed off gift cards to a single mom, and both of us ended up crying,” Ms. Nichols said. “It was one of the best days of my week.”

So far, more than 400 people have received gifts through the work of Vanessa Petruccelli, The Retreat’s development and community outreach associate, who coordinates the program.

“What I love about the program is the control it gives back to our clients,” Ms. Nichols said. “When gifts are distributed, the items for children are not wrapped. The parent gets to see what is given and wrap it for their children, engaging them in the joy of gift giving.”

If you’d like to support the program, text ADOPTAFAMILY to 41444, visit allagainstabuse.org, or host a collection drive.